I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch. p. 21 I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
I don't get no respect!
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